“But we’re getting married soon—it’s basically a done deal. So it’s hardly even premarital sex.”
“I mean, the ring is on her finger. The church is booked. The dress—it’s being altered as we speak. So come on, we waited this long. What can it hurt?”
Maybe the question shouldn’t be “What can it hurt?” but rather “What will it help?”
How will having sex now—2 days or 2 weeks or 2 months—before the wedding help your relationship? How will it benefit your marriage? What will you gain?
And you had better not say experience. Because there will be plenty of time after the “I do’s” for gaining sexual experience. You don’t practice before so you’ll be good at it after the wedding. Even though the “test drive” theory is quite popular, that’s not how it’s supposed to work. (Check out “But if we wait, how will I know…” )
But we don’t want to wait…
Practicing self-control will do far more for your long-term relationship than giving in to the desire to express your love with physical intimacy. Exercising the willpower and restraint and self-discipline it takes to postpone sex until after the wedding will build character and integrity—qualities you looked for in a potential spouse, right?
…because waiting is too difficult.
Difficult, yes. Impossible, no.
Our society wants life to be simple and easy as well as fun and exciting. Human nature tells us to push for what-I-want-when-I-want-it. And we’re programmed to want and to pursue physical intimacy. So, yeah, it’s tough to wait.
In our world, marriage is too often seen as unnecessary and sex is … well, somehow sex is considered both essential for survival yet no big deal. And this skewed mentality laughs at the idea of waiting for the intimacy and pleasure of sex until after the ‘til-death-do-us-part ceremony. Abstinence has been trivialized almost to the point of extinction.
But here’s the thing. A lot of things in life are difficult. And marriage is one of them. But with effort and commitment, it can be amazing. Some of the most meaningful things in life come at a cost, they require sacrifice. Delaying the pleasure of sex until after the official introduction as Mr. and Mrs. is one of those incredibly worthwhile things.
But what does a few days matter?
Waiting will build up your ability to “delay gratification”. Making a choice to wait for something that you really, really want has become extremely unpopular. But learning to wait, to put something on hold, is a character trait that will pay off in a huge way in so many areas of your marriage.
Like finances for instance. People acquire mounds of debt because they can’t wait to buy what they want. They spend way more money than they make because they think they deserve to have nice stuff. Reality check: You don’t have to get everything you want in order to be happy. Accepting that reality will spare you lots of grief and possibly a trip to bankruptcy court.
The same thing goes for sex. You want to have sex with your fiancé. Of course you do. So, you convince yourself that waiting is dumb and ridiculous and of absolutely no value. And the world backs you up on that. But you want the very best for this relationship, right? You want the firmest foundation on which to build this new phase of your life—I know you do.
So, talk and dream and plan and prepare for your new life together. But don’t have sex. Don’t move in together. Don’t spend hours and hours alone. Don’t hang out in bedrooms. Don’t spend the night together. Don’t see how close you can get to sex without actually doing it.
Commit to spending your lives together and THEN indulge in the gift of sex. Pledge before GOD, your family and friends to love each other forever THEN say “yes!” to sex. After you declare your choice to forsake all others THEN surrender yourselves to the pleasures of physical intimacy.
It could be that one or both of you had sex in a previous relationship. That doesn’t matter now. Leave the past in the past and focus on the future with your soon-to-be bride or groom.
Don’t let the past make your future decisions. You can wait. It will be worth it. You deserve the best.
I’d love to hear from you with thoughts, questions, concerns OR topics you’d like to see discussed. Just leave a comment (under the title) OR shoot me an email: firstname.lastname@example.org
couple dancing photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/10966541@N02/6209575405″>29987 Julia and David’s Wedding Reception – Glenmore Country Club</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>(license)</a>