“But since we really love each other, sex is okay, right? That has to mean somethin’…”
After all, people passionately insist, wasn’t sex specifically designed for people who love each other?
Well, yes, it was but—
See? We’re good because we really do love each other. And if we want to, you know, express our love with physical intimacy, why not?? Is it really so difficult to understand?
Oh, I understand. Completely. It’s goes something like this…
“She is amazing. I have never felt like this about anyone. I’m not pushing her, I promise I’m not. But all I think about is her… and us being together. I love her so much… how can it be wrong for us to have sex?”
“We are meant to be together, and he means everything to me. I love him—and I’m sure he loves me. I know I always planned to save sex for marriage. But now, I’m not sure I want to wait. Does it really matter that much?”
You are crazy about each other. You long to be together day and night and saying goodbye is total torture. If you could just express these insanely intense feelings by letting your bodies do what they really, really want to do, it would only help your relationship grow, right?
That’s a definite NO.
Why? Because the sex might be bad? Well, we’d get better—
Nope. Not because the sex might be bad.
Because sex has the power to consume your relationship. The merging of crazy intense emotions and feelings with the mega-powerful and highly addictive physical act of sex can easily bring to a screeching halt any real relationship growth.
Depth in a relationship comes from digging deep into each other’s hopes and beliefs and dreams and fears. Connections deepen when a couple weathers storms and shares triumphs. Closeness intensifies as you learn to give to and think of the other person’s needs before your own. It takes time, effort, and sacrifice to grow a relationship. Not physical expressions of love.
But I thought sex was supposed to create a bond?
Does it ever. Sex is all about the bonding. But it’s more than the two bodies that become one. The hearts and souls that belong to those two bodies knit together, creating “soul ties”. And that’s a problem if this relationship is only in the I-love-you-for-now stage. Those super-glue like ties are awesomely, incredibly amazing in marriage with a til-death-do-us-part love commitment. Cause that’s where they’re supposed to happen.
Being in love is an amazing thing. It’s exciting and thrilling and totally awesome. And you can actually, sincerely see yourself being with this person for… a long time. But the rest of your life?
Well… umm, yeah. Sure. Shoot, yes. Why not?
Let’s face it. When you’re in a committed, loving relationship, it’s hard to imagine not being with that person in the future. You can’t even consider that this amazingness might end—the thought is too incredibly painful.
So, you reason, if we’re going to be together in the end anyway, why would it hurt to indulge a little (or a lot) early since, you know we may/might/could possibly get married someday?
Girls, you are especially prone to imagining the present happily-ever-after stretching into a forever happily-ever-after. You’re wired to plunge into relationships on a deep, emotional, all-in level that can have you hearing wedding bells, even if from far in the future OR for a wedding that never takes place.
Guys, while you aren’t generally as quick to conjure up mental wedding party pictures, when your protective, take-care-of-her instincts get triggered, watch out. You might be surprised at how easily you’ll pencil-in an end to your bachelor days because you want to be the one taking care of her forever.
Pop culture tells you sex = love and love = sex. It’s what people do when they love each other. It’s natural and normal and you’ll be missing out big time if you don’t. It’s the next, obvious step if you love each other.
But pop culture is wrong.
Loving a person means you want the very best for him/her. It means you’d do anything in your power to not cause this person pain or harm or heartache. Yet making a decision to have sex invites the very real possibility of hurt and sorrow into your relationship. Sex always carries the risk of pregnancy. What then? And if saving sex for marriage was the goal for either or both of you, the choice to put those convictions aside will pierce your conscience. Guilt is a heavy weight that a growing relationship doesn’t need. But if you open the door to sex, you’re taking a huge risk that “growing” will stall after sex takes the main stage. And the clear thinking needed to determine if there’s marriage potential in this relationship? Really hard to come by now because sex complicates everything.
But it won’t! Not for us!
That’s what everyone thinks. If you’ve never had sex, you can’t fathom how much it will change things. Or how powerful and consuming it is. How big–no, enormous–a deal it really is.
Real love is about sacrificing for and giving to the other person—not about getting or taking for yourself. What saying NO to sex really says is, “I value you and this relationship too much to risk it.” If you want to truly express the depth of your love, say a firm no to sexual activity of any kind. Nothing will prove how much you love that special girl or guy more than choosing not to indulge in sex.
It’s a tough decision that takes guts and courage to make and keep. But you and your future are soooooooo worth it. You’ll get lots of encouragement and practical advice RIGHT HERE for making and sticking with a decision to save sex for marriage. Check out the tabs across the top for great resources. We are in this together, guys.
I’d love to hear from you in a comment (under the title) OR by email at firstname.lastname@example.org Thoughts, questions, concerns, topics you’d like to see discussed are all welcome!